ESPN’s 30 for 30 Series: One-Sentence Reviews
1. King’s Ransom: Canada traded its winter Jesus to Sodom & Gomorrah in exchange for rapidly-declining currency.
2. The Band That Wouldn’t Die: Losing your beloved NFL team to an undeserving town is complete bullshit up until you pull the same stunt on another town, which then makes it okay.
3. Small Potatoes: Who Killed the USFL?: Do not fuck with the NFL.
4. Muhammad and Larry: The easiest way to get Parkinson’s is to get punched in the head repeatedly until - BAM - Parkinson’s.
5. Without Bias: The Vitamin C of the 1980s did not prevent scurvy.
6. The Legend of Jimmy the Greek: It wasn’t offensive when Chris Rock said it, and it was waaaaaaaay funnier.
7. The U: With all respect to Jonas Salk, you can cure Polio and a wide variety of other devastating ailments with Swagger.
8. Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs. the New York Knicks: Back in 1994 before tattoos were invented, NBA players relied solely on being beyotches for self-expression.
9. Guru of Go: Defense is boring.
10. No Crossover: The Trial of Allen Iverson: Attention whores are often quite successful at attracting drama.
11. Silly Little Game: Sometimes nerds forget to monetize and trademark their ideas.
12. Run Ricky Run: Puff Puff Pass Run Quit Return.
13. The 16th Man: Apartheid was effectively eradicated when Morgan Freeman galvanized the South African rugby team.
14. Straight Outta LA: Athletes really want to be rappers, rappers really want to be athletes, all of them are rich and some of them get shot or injured.
15. June 17, 1994: You picked the wrongest day ever to be away from the television.
16. The Two Escobars: You picked the wrongest era ever to be from Columbia.
17. The Birth of Big Air: Most of us learn how to ride a bike by the age of seven, but then we go on to other things while others stay seven forever.
18. Jordan Rides the Bus: The elixir of ego, compulsion, addiction and entitlement is as powerful as meth but less corrosive to dental work.
19. Little Big Men: Sometimes your life peaks in grade school.
20. One Night in Vegas: “Can’t C Me” was a great song but factually inaccurate.
21. Unmatched: Cold War metaphors and anxieties extended all the way into women’s tennis.
22. The House of Steinbrenner: With the right farm league, front office management, unhealthy ambition and more money than several Asian economies you too can build a winner just as long as you hate hippies.
23. Into the Wind: Terry Fox had one leg and 17 hearts.
24. Four Days in October: ESPN’s daily obsession across all of its platforms with the Red Sox and the Yankees was not enough, so a film was made.
25. Once Brothers: Yugoslavia, when it existed, gave the world terrible automobiles and awesome basketball players.
26. Tim Richmond: To the Limit: If Eazy-E drove stock cars, he’d be Tim Richmond.
27. Fernando Nation: When the LA Dodgers have a superstar, their fans actually show up prior to the fourth inning and stay beyond the seventh.
28. Marion Jones: Press Pause: Your own fabricated testimony will get its lyin’ ass kicked by a drug test every single time.
29. The Best That Never Was: College football is the most awesome thing in the world ever, even when it isn’t.
30. Pony Exce$$: Sometimes a booming Texas economy, unlimited ambition, systemic disdain for the rules and the relentless desire to win results in Craig James being a giant douche forever.
31. The Fab Five: Michigan basketball was far more relevant when its players were making six figures.
32. Catching Hell: Red Sox the 2003 Chicago Cubs Red Sox came so close to Red Sox the World Series Red Sox if not for a Red Sox foul ball that Red Sox may or may not have Boston’d the course of history.
